By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
our cab driver is having phone sex.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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