A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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