god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
