My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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