I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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