I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
