I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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