Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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