She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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