When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
