please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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