well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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