I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
