My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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