Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
