i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
