who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
