I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
