A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
