dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
