Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
