I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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