I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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