started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
its liver damage thursday
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
