Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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