What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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