i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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