i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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