I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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