The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The adults are the big ones right?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
