I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
