I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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