Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
