She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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