just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
love makes seman taste better
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
As shirtless as possible
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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