my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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