people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
