it wasn't lemon gatorade
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
