Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
