So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
