I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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