I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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