He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
