you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
