my phone needs a breathalizer
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
