I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
