someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
