I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
