thus making me awesome and them whores
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
