Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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