I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
